Stop Pushing Me Around

Listen to Chapter 1 read by the author (that's me!)

2006-08-19T15:13:00.000-07:00

On this lazy summer afternoon, I decided to record the first chapter of the book.

It's 28 minutes and you can listen to it by clicking here.

Feel free to let me know what you think...

And enjoy,
Ilise

Book Excerpt: Chapter 5: Lose All Fear of Face-to-Face Encounters

2006-08-16T11:49:00.000-07:00

When Jack eats out alone, he sits at the bar instead of at a table because it’s much more conducive to striking up a conversation. He even finds that it helps to be friendly with the bartender, which allows people nearby to see that he is a friendly guy. Here’s a recent experience he had:

I was at a barbecue restaurant and I sat next to a guy at the bar but I did not end up talking with him because I missed the opportunity in the first two seconds. I realized afterward that as I sit down, saying just about anything can be the icebreaker, like a simple joke about being addicted to barbecue or how good it feels to sit down after working 97 hours. It’s like sticking a wedge in the door so it won’t close and it sets the stage for a possible conversation. Even just acknowledging the other person and saying “How ya doin?” as you sit down can open the window for a conversation.

But if you sit down in silence and miss that tiny window of opportunity, the whole thing seems to get 50 times harder because then you have to break a pre-existing silence with some kind of “opening line” and that triggers a whole "conversation" in my head instead of with this other person in the world.

That is not to say that the ice cannot be broken later in a potential encounter, but I think, with some of these mechanisms in place, it just seems much harder and a waste of that “window.” So, I try to keep in mind that there is a window that may only last two seconds into which is it is very easy to put down a tiny, simple placeholder to let the other person know that this could become an encounter; then making it an encounter becomes much easier as the time goes on because that marker was there right from the first moment.

What is small talk?
Most shy people hate small talk, claim to be horrible at it – “shy away from it.”

But what exactly is small talk?

Small talk is the starting point of all relationships. Think of it as a dance you do with someone new to find common ground, a way to ease into a conversation. Through small talk you decide whether “big talk” is appropriate.

When you look around a room and see people chatting, you might assume that small talk comes naturally to most people, but that is not the case. In fact, it’s not a talent at all but rather an acquired skill.

It’s like kindling. Hopefully, enough branches will burn hot enough to ignite the logs of real conversation, which can burn for much longer.

Dr. Bernardo Carducci, director of the Shyness Research Institute, says the tag “small talk” connotes that such conversation is trivial and unimportant. On the contrary, small talk is the basis for beginning relationships. It’s where we start with almost everyone we meet. So if you can’t, or won’t, do it, think of all the connections and relationships you’ll miss out on.

Technology has revolutionized the way we communicate – for better and for worse. David Rose, a Cambridge, Mass.-based expert on computer interfaces, likes to point out that 20 years ago, an office worker had only two types of communication technology: a phone, which required an instant answer, and postal mail, which took days. "Now we have dozens of possibilities between those poles," Rose says. And most of those happen in isolation -- email, instant messaging, even the phone. As a result, we are losing both the skill and the desire to make small talk.
In today’s high-tech society, many people are losing the art of day-to-day conversation. It’s a skill, and if we don’t practice it and keep it in shape, we will forget how to do it and avoid putting ourselves in situations where that atrophied skill will be required.

How to Create Your 10-word Blurb

Brenda sometimes finds it hard to answer the simple question, "What do you do?" in a short, concise and interesting way. Sometimes she rambles on or is afraid she sounds uninteresting. If she gives a pat answer, she fears she’ll sound like a robot. She wants her “elevator speech” to be perfect, to convey everything there is to know about her in 2 sentences so the other person “gets it.”

That’s a lot of pressure for one sentence.

So many of us get so tongue-tied when we have to talk about ourselves or our work, even though so many conversations in our culture start with the question, “What do you do?”

It seems so simple but, believe it or not, this is often one of the most difficult questions to answer. It becomes even more challenging when what you do is unique, specialized or new, or when you do a lot of different things.

Before trying to answer, you have to understand the purpose of the question. When someone asks, “What do you do?” their goal isn’t necessarily to find out what you do. They do want to know, but more than anything, they want to get a conversation going.

What you say depends on whom you’re talking to. Is it a stranger? Someone you haven’t seen in a long time but who knows something about you? Someone from a past work experience? Someone from your personal life?

If it's a colleague familiar with your industry jargon, using that jargon shows you know your stuff. If it's a neighbor, your jargon may be intimidating. All of these variables need to be taken into consideration before you answer the question.

Most people won’t hear the first thing you say anyway. Remember, there’s a lot going on and they will probably only grasp a tiny bit of your communication, maybe one or two words. But don’t worry. It won’t be your only chance to answer the question so you don’t have to say it perfectly. Your challenge is to say something that will be easy for them to grasp under the circumstances. To avoid an awkward exchange, it helps to have something ready. That’s where your 10-word blurb comes in handy.

Don’t ever answer with a label, unless you are trying to stop the conversation. For example, don’t say, “I’m a designer” or “I’m a copywriter” or “I’m a lawyer.” Although it’s short and sweet, it is actually the worst thing you can say. Why?

Because labels leave too much room for interpretation. They mean different things to different people. If you say you’re a “developer” and you mean you’re a software developer but the person you’re talking to thinks of a real estate developer, you’ve already got a miscommunication.

Or they may hear your label -- “lawyer” -- and decide right then and there that they don’t need a “lawyer” or don’t like “lawyers” or aren’t interested in “lawyers.”

Also, the label you use is often industry jargon that you understand but may not be clear to your listener. For example, few people actually know what a copywriter is or does. Plus, the word “copywriter” is often confused with “copyright,” and people may assume a connection to “copyright law.” Another miscommunication.

So instead of labeling yourself, create a blurb that literally says what you do and who you do it for. Here’s an example for the copywriter:
I write direct mail marketing materials for the healthcare and financial industries.

See how that simple sentence includes what you do and who you do it for? Notice also that it uses verbs and adjectives instead of nouns to paint a picture of what the writer writes and for whom. Because of that, the listener could pick any of the words in that sentence and say, “Tell me more about that.”

Don’t sound like a robot
Once you’ve done the preparation and practiced a bit with variations on your 10-word blurb, you’re ready to use them. But be careful. There’s nothing worse than sounding like you’re reciting lines you’ve memorized, as if you can’t remember what you do.

Now that you know what to say, your challenge is to find a way to say it that is spontaneous, as if it’s coming directly from you in the present moment (which it is) and as if it’s the first time you’ve said it. These techniques will help:

· Look directly into the person’s eyes when you say it. That way, even if you’ve said it before, this is the first time you’re saying it to this person and looking at them reminds you of this.
· Let yourself be imperfect. That’s what conversation is. And if you see they are not understanding, stop and try again.

“I don’t think you have to be talkative to converse, or even to have a quick mind. Pauses in conversation do no harm… What matters is whether you are willing to think for yourself, and to say what you think… What matters most is courage.”
Theodore Zeldin, author of Conversation: How Talk Can Change Our Lives

Be the first one to ask “What do you do?”
One of the most challenging situations may be introducing yourself to a stranger about whom you know nothing. How are you supposed to know what will engage this stranger? You can’t. You can’t divine their 10-word blurb and you can’t say, “I’ll tell you if you tell me first.”

The solution: ask the question first, which means you have to speak up first. This is a dilemma for some of us, but one worth getting over if it means the rest of the conversation will go more smoothly. If you make a habit of being the first one to ask the question, you will learn enough about the other person to guide you toward your best blurb to say to that person.

What to talk about: conversation starters
Use your blurb to exchange the basics, but don’t focus on yourself. Instead, become interesting, which means become a good conversationalist.

This has two components: 1. Listening well and 2. Bringing ideas, topics, questions, projects, and your own challenges to discuss.

Strive to become a good conversationalist. Some environments are easier than others. There will no doubt be events or parties where you just don’t feel welcomed or in the mood to chat. Try to get over that by using your conversation skills and topics.

Here are a couple personal examples from my experiences. Interesting things are constantly happening to me and probably to you too. Do you take notice of them? You should, if your goal is to become a good conversationalist. All you have to do is notice, remember the anecdote and then bring it up next time you’re in a networking situation.

For example, I sometimes ride my bike to the train in Hoboken to go into New York City. Recently I got on the train and without thinking left my bike helmet on the seat next to me when I got off. I didn’t even notice it until a few hours later when I was on my way back to Hoboken. I looked around for someone to ask about the Lost and Found. I noticed a command station at the end of the platform with a big glass window and as I approached, I saw my helmet sitting right there on the ledge, as if it was waiting for me. Someone has obviously returned it. That reaffirmed my faith in people, as well as in the PATH train.

Has anything like that happened to you lately? Do you have a feel-good story to share? If so, tell the story and see where it takes the conversation.

Here are a few other personal examples that I use as conversation starters:

1. Health issues. Due to osteoarthritis, I need a hip replacement. So I will sometimes bring that into the conversation and ask if my conversation partner knows anyone who’s had a hip replacement, etc. (Usually their mother has.) I have learned a lot of useful information this way.

2. Current events. You may want to stay away from politics, but you can always talk about the latest scientific discovery, award recipients, sports tournaments, etc. Movies are generally safe territory and quickly give you a good idea of what kind of person you’re talking to.

3. Facts you’ve learned or books you’ve read. Bring up a novel, biography or especially a business book that you’ve read and share a bit of what you’ve learned. For example, I’ve been reading “A User’s Guide to the Brain” and I learned that chickens have 25 taste buds, while humans have 2-5,000. Drop that little tidbit into the conversation and see where it goes.

4. Jury duty. I was selected to sit on a grand jury recently and have been bringing it up as a topic in many different environments. Everyone seems to have a story about either ducking jury duty or doing it. What other civic activity could lots of people relate to?

5. And when in doubt, talk about the food. If there is a buffet, stand by it and make recommendations to anyone who approaches about what's good (or bad). But be sure to keep your hands free to shake hands and exchange business cards.

Don’t just say, “I’m fine”
When someone asks how you are, instead of responding with a bland, “everything’s fine” or “Nothing much,” take the opportunity to highlight a project you’re working on. Or, if you’ve acquired a new skill or accomplished a new goal, mention that. It’s not bragging if you focus on the facts.

Getting deeper into the conversation
Once you’ve got your personal introductions out of the way, it’s time to dig in deeper. There are two ways this can go. If you take the initiative to lead the conversation, your genuine curiosity could kick in and you ask about something you’ve heard the other person say.

If you don’t take the lead, they’re likely to ask you about something you’ve said. That’s good too and one “novel” way to convey more details about your work is by telling stories. Everyone loves a good story, so instead of listing your accomplishments or reciting your resume, tell them a story.

Stories are ideal for a sit-down networking luncheon or on a plane, situations where you can say more than your blurbs, where you have a little more time to chat. People relax to listen, bringing one level of defense down. Also, stories inspire, motivate and engage people. We tend to listen closely to stories told with genuine enthusiasm and passion, no matter what the story is about. Your listener may immediately start identifying with characters in your story, thinking to themselves, "Oh yeah, that happened to me too. We have a lot in common." Or, "I need someone to help me with that too."

Tell stories about projects you’ve worked on, with a focus on the outcome that resulted from the effort you put in -- how you were a hero and saved the day! Use examples that your listener will relate to and which reinforce the aspect of you that would mean the most to them. Include characters he can identify with, a situation that would be familiar, a crisis that might be just like the one he’s in right now, as a matter of fact.

And when you’re done with a story and if there’s a pause in the conversation, ask your partner to tell you a story.

Excerpted from Stop Pushing Me Around: A Workplace Guide for the Timid, Shy and Less Assertive (Career Press, 2006). Order your copy here.

Preparation is one key to self confidence

2006-08-15T13:54:00.000-07:00

In a recent article in the Denver Post, there was a sidebar from Stop Pushing Me Around on the 4 Steps to Developing Self Confidence (read the blog post on that here).

This was picked up in a couple different places, including CareerSuperStar.com, the blog of Bud Bilanich. In this posting, he takes my idea about preparation and builds on it with his own examples.

And here's the actual excerpt from my book:

Always take time to prepare. Don’t waste time talking yourself into “feeling” confident. Be more productive in your preparation. The better you know your stuff, the more confident you will feel. No matter what the event or activity, make sure you set aside time to practice or to think through all the possible scenarios and how you would respond to them. Again, it’s a question of directing your attention away from the anxiety and toward the actions needed.

Have you had success with the technique? If so, contribute your comments so others can learn from you too.

If you manage someone who is shy...

2006-08-06T09:44:00.000-07:00

There's a chapter in Stop Pushing Me Around that is devoted to managing shy employees, with lots of tips on how to help them come out of their shell and make sure you're getting everything they have to contribute. On her blog at Allbusiness.com, Leslie Levine addresses this issue today.

And in the August 4th issue of the Toronto Globe and Mail, Wallace Immen's second article based on my book focuses on that topic. Here's an excerpt from it:

In every organization, there are people who have great ideas but never seem to bring them up in meetings.

You know they are capable of more, but they prefer to fly below the radar, rather than reaching for the top.

As a manager, your challenge is: How do you help a good worker who is naturally shy to blossom?

Tact is the key, says career consultant Ilise Benun, president of Hoboken, N.J.-based consultancy Marketing Mentor and the author of a new book, Stop Pushing Me Around.

"Facing the unknown and being put on the spot are situations that shy people really fear," she says, so it's important to keep the pressure low and not appear to be singling someone out for special treatment.

A manager who gives shy employees the space and time to use strategies that work comfortably for them will see them shine, she says.

How to help that happen? Here are her suggestions:

Make the first move
Shy people tend not to reach out because they are afraid of the reaction they will receive, she says. It's important that a manager build rapport with shy employees so that they aren't intimidated to speak up when they need something.

Check in with them informally on a regular basis and ask if there is anything they need to help them in their work, Ms. Benun suggests.

Don't put them on the spot
You don't want to come straight out and say, "I realize you are shy about responding at meetings," which would make a shy person feel conspicuous.

Instead, you can send a memo, something like "If it helps, I can get you an early copy of the agenda to help you prepare for the meeting."

You can read the rest of the article here.

You can buy the book here.

"Curiosity is the antidote to shyness" says NJ paper, The Courier Post

2006-08-06T08:13:00.000-07:00

Here's a short excerpt from a column (written by Eileen Smith) in today's Courier Post, a New Jersey newspaper.

"Shy people imagine rejection -- dramatic, hostile rejection," Benun says. "They are actually surprised when people express interest in their work."

Because they are so focused on what everyone else is thinking about them, introverts are usually poor listeners.

"All that noise in their own minds gets in the way," she says.

The most effective antidote for shyness is a strong dose of curiosity, to listen to what other people have to say without interrupting, judging or mentally rehearsing a response.

Read the rest, plus the sidebar: 7 Steps to Self Confidence here.

Tips for overcoming shyness in the Globe and Mail

2006-08-04T04:12:00.000-07:00

From today's Globe and Mail (Canada's National Newspaper), here is an excerpt from one of 2 articles written by Wallace Immen about the ideas in Stop Pushing Me Around, one of which features a Marketing Mentor client, Ana Garza-Robillard from Montreal.

Almost everyone is shy to some extent in certain situations. Ms. Benun says. It's extremely common for people who are dynamic in their everyday job to turn very uncertain in an unknown situation out of fear they will make a mistake or look incompetent.

This can actually make people stay at a job they dislike, rather than face the prospect of interviewing for a much better position somewhere else.

The good news is that shyness is not genetic but, rather, behaviour you develop based on experiences in your life, says Ms. Benun, who regularly runs assertiveness workshops in Canada.

That means if you learn to identify situations in which underlying shyness is holding you back, you can minimize its paralyzing effects.

Here's her formula for emerging from the shell of shyness:

Know your demons
Learn to recognize situations that typically make you feel shy and how you habitually react to them, for example, by avoiding them or not speaking up.

Commit to making a change
The next time a situation comes up that makes you feel shy, vow to try a different approach, such as speaking up rather than staying silent. Making such changes will, over time, increase your confidence.

One small change at a time
"The reason people remain shy is they have built it up into a huge, immovable thing to overcome, and they decide it is too big a challenge to even think about it," Ms. Benun says.

Making small changes expands your comfort zone and creates the momentum to make big progress over time.

Set targets
Create a time frame for taking concrete actions on goals you want to achieve. For instance, "meet a new person daily" or "attend two networking events monthly."

Create lots of options
If you give yourself many opportunities to interact with people, each one won't carry as much weight and will therefore be less stressful.

Don't bow to the competition
Don't assume that other people have more right to speak up because they appear more confident than you. In fact, your input may be more valuable than anything they have to offer.

Spend time preparing
The better you know your stuff, the more confident you will feel when the time comes to present it.

Visualize support
Instead of imagining a meeting as a place where you might end up being interrogated and judged, imagine it as a circle of colleagues all there to help you. With practice, that will become your reality.

Ask for honest feedback
Shy people tend to dwell so much on their negatives that they fail to see their positives, Ms. Benun says. Seeking input from others will draw out positive things they see in you, and give you more confidence to overcome your shyness.

Review progress
Keep a log of your goals and review daily, or at least weekly, marking down progress you've made. Every success will make you more confident, Ms. Benun says.

You can read the entire article at the Globe and Mail.

And you can buy the book here.

Book Excerpt: Chapter 1: Getting to Know Yourself Better

2006-07-16T07:56:00.000-07:00

[You can listen to Chapter 1 read by the author by clicking here]

Andy is an extremely intelligent computer programmer who considers himself shy. He likes his work but wishes he could be left alone to do it. He works in a small family-owned software development business run by an insecure boss. This boss promised Andy a bonus last year but it hasn’t been mentioned since. Andy would like to speak to his boss about the bonus but he never knows when he’ll be in a good mood and he doesn’t know how to approach it, so he hasn’t said anything in many months.

Kathy, a self employed graphic designer, cringes at the thought of approaching "strangers" at networking functions or through cold calls. She is a wonderful designer and has been lucky because most of her work has come by word of mouth. Kathy says she doesn’t have the confidence to talk to strangers. So she can’t bring herself to attend a networking meeting, even though once she’s there, she has a great time.

What does Andy mean when he says he’s “shy?” What is the “confidence” Kathy needs to put on her coat and go to a gathering of strangers?

Let’s begin by defining our terms:

What is shyness?
Webster’s defines shy as “easily frightened” and “disposed to avoid a person or thing.” Dr. Bernardo Carducci, Director of The Shyness Research Institute in Indiana University Southeast, says that shy people are slow to warm up, have a limited comfort zone and avoid approaching strangers.

What is confidence?
According to Webster’s, confidence is “a feeling or consciousness of one’s powers or of reliance on one’s circumstances” and “faith or belief that one will act in a right, proper and effective way.” In other words, to be confident is to know you can handle whatever comes along, which you probably can.

So Andy is frightened to ask about his bonus and is avoiding the subject. And Kathy is afraid to approach a stranger because she doesn’t think she’ll be able to handle herself in an impromptu conversation.

Gregg Krech, a leading authority on Japanese Psychology and the author of the book "Naikan: Gratitude, Grace and the Japanese Art of Self-Reflection" writes, “In the center of [a shy person’s] anxious feeling is the seed of the desire to achieve, to transcend, to be worthy. The real problem is not these feelings in and of themselves; it is that we are letting this particular group of feelings "push us around.”

You see, it may feel like we are being pushed around by co-workers and bosses and clients, but we’re actually doing it to ourselves. So the assertiveness we need to learn is not to be addressed towards the pushy boss or coworkers. Instead, we need to learn to be assertive with ourselves and our feelings so we can achieve our goals.

Even if you’ve been shy all your life and it “feels” natural, there are things you can do, actions you can take that will expand your horizons and bring you out of your shell. Benefits -- even riches -- await those who can speak up and reach out. That’s the premise of this book.

Who is shy?
Dr. Bernardo Carducci, author of "Shyness: A Bold New Approach," who has been studying shyness since the early 1980’s, asserts that the number of Americans who consider themselves shy has hovered around 40% for the past 25 years.

Forty per cent of Americans. That’s a lot of shy people.

So no matter how much it feels like you’re the only one, you are not alone. The ranks of the shy include men and women, young and old, salaried and self-employed. They come from across the professional spectrum, span from the top of the corporate ladder to the bottom, and can be found in all industries, from information technology and accounting to advertising, publishing and the world of fashion and design.

It’s not always easy to believe that shyness is so widespread because many shy people don’t appear to be shy. In other words, there are many seemingly outgoing people who feel shy, who see themselves as shy, but it’s not always evident to the outside world. And there are many who "masquerade as extroverts" because they have to -- CEOs, performers, and media-savvy people who spend lots of time in the limelight. Some of the more famous ones include Carol Burnett, Johnny Carson, Barbara Walters, Al Gore and more.

In fact, we all have shy moments when facing a new challenge or an unknown person. The only difference is that some of us let it hold us back while others don’t. That’s a choice you can make.

Shyness and biology: genes, temperament and brains
For many people, shyness feels innate. But are people born shy? And if so, is biology destiny?

According to a study reported in the Wall Street Journal in early 2006, there is such a thing as a “shy gene” and it’s called 5-HTT. However, not everyone born with this gene becomes a shy child or a shy adult. It only lives up to its name when you grow up in a certain type of environment.

In other words, if you have the “shy gene” and you were raised in an environment where your parents had little social support and if you were protected from the world -- instead of encouraged to venture out into it -- you may have become a shy adult.

However, if you have the shy gene but were raised in a strong community with many adults attentively teaching you what you needed to learn, and by parents who made a conscious and consistent effort to get you out to play with other kids despite your reluctance, you are more likely to have “shaken” your shyness.

Researchers have also attributed shyness to natural temperament. There is evidence that approximately 15 to 20 percent of infants are born with what Dr. Jerome Kagan of Harvard University (Kagan, 1994) and his colleagues (Kagan, Reznick, & Snidman, 1988) refer to as an “inhibited temperament.” Inhibited children are those who are easily aroused or excited. They are the ones who, at two years of age, might be more likely to hide behind a parent’s legs when a stranger enters their play area. They are the ones who, at seven, play by themselves instead of with other children.

Dr. Carducci proposes that this inhibited behavior begins to be labeled by parents, teachers, and acquaintances as “shyness.” Shy behaviors then become habits that are strengthened, like muscles, as we mature.

But the opposite may be true as well. “Parents who engineer gradual emboldening experiences to their shy children provide a lifelong corrective to the fearfulness,” writes Daniel Goleman in his best-selling book, "Emotional Intelligence". He also cites statistics that 1 in 3 infants born with an inhibited temperament lose their timidity by kindergarten.

Beyond our genes and our temperament, we have our brains, which also play a role. Here’s how it works: When you learn a new skill, your brain actually changes. If you wanted to learn to use a computer, for example, your brain would arrange a new neural pathway for learning to use a computer. As you learn, this new pathway develops. The more you practice, the more proficient you become, the more your brain changes, until your brain gradually develops the neural pathways to make your "practicing" become automatic. Soon, you don’t have to focus and you can type and click and open documents without even thinking about it. You’ve learned to do something new.

So experience sculpts the brain. Everything we learn changes our brain and becomes part of our neural pathways. We’ve known for a while that a child’s brain has a remarkable plasticity and changes as a child learns and develops. More recent studies on the adult brain also demonstrate an astounding ability to create new neural pathways, even as we age. For example, memory-enhancing exercises and intellectual stimulation have been proven to keep the brain evolving and to prevent dementia.

So although you may not realize it, you have more control than you imagine over which pathways in your brain get strong and which ones get weak. This applies to behaviors as well, both shy ones and assertive ones. Each time we don’t speak up, we are actually strengthening the neural pathways in the brain that keep us shy. That means you can also strengthen the neural pathways that make you more assertive, by learning and practicing over time, appropriate strategies and techniques.

Sharon Begley, science columnist for the Wall Street Journal writes, “If you combine the discoveries of the plasticity of the adult brain, with the hints of what underlies shyness, then I'd say one has to entertain the possibility that an adult's 'shyness circuits' can be remodeled.”

In short, you can learn a few new tricks, if you want to. It’s not “hard” work. What it takes is repetition and perseverance.

Are you shy all the time? (Are you sure you’re shy?)
There are plenty of personality tests, like the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator™ that will “reveal” your true personality type. You may have taken one in high school or on your first job and earned the label of “introvert.”

One problem with these personality tests is that they don’t tell the whole story. In the real world, you are not just one way – there are many factors that determine each of your behaviors. Plus, you are constantly changing. So even if you have a naturally quiet temperament and lots of shy moments, chances are there are other moments, other environments, other circumstances in which you are less shy, or perhaps not shy at all. Maybe you don’t have a lot to say in every situation but there are probably also situations where you are quite talkative. Maybe you wait for someone to take an interest or ask a question before you open up.

Shy is a label you put on yourself (or someone else put on you) and it just stuck around. Until now, you may have been limited by the habits you’ve formed around the label of shyness or “introvert.” But the actions that go along with the label – keeping your opinions to yourself at a staff meeting or letting a new contact walk away without exchanging business cards -- these are things you do, actions you take, or don’t take. And you can decide to take a different action in any situation.

Even if the label of “shy” reflects your natural temperament, it’s likely you are capable of much more – all of us are. When we believe the labels, we limit our ability to recognize how flexible we are and how much potential each and every one of us has. And we limit our access to the abundance offered by the world around us.

Try this. Take this sentence -- “I am ______” – and fill in the blank in as many different ways as you can. Try for 100 but feel free to go further. Do it over the course of a few days or a week as you observe yourself in action. Notice the myriad aspects of yourself. See how many pages you can fill and then study the range and expansiveness of who you are. Then, ask your friends and family to fill in the sentence, to get other people’s perspective on you.

What you need to know: Exactly when are you shy?
We don’t necessarily need to understand why we are shy. It really doesn’t matter. But if we want to expand our comfort zone, what we need to know is what we do and when we do it. And that can be done through observation.

Instead of making a blanket statement like “I’m shy,” it makes more sense to begin to identify the situations in which you are most uncomfortable and the types of people in whose presence you feel shy. Then, likewise, identify the ones that make you the most comfortable. That way you can create a plan to systematically expand your comfort zone.

· Are you shy in big groups but not in small ones? If so, where is the cut off point for size?
· Are you shy around people with authority but not around those you consider your peers?
· Is there one person or type of person around whom you’re the most shy?
· Are you shy around outgoing people? Or people who seem loud and boisterous? Do you see these people as “aggressive”?
· Are you shy with people who are considering hiring you but then once you’re “in”, you relax and can “be yourself”?
· Are you shy at gatherings of people you’ve never met before?
· Are there settings in which you take a lesser role on something that you have been highly involved in designing, implementing or managing?
· Do you shrug off compliments and have trouble taking credit for success?
· Are you shy around people of the opposite sex? Same sex?
· Are you shy at any hint of conflict? Or when other people are expressing their opinions freely?
· Are you shy at a particular time of day, in the early hours rather than in the evening?
· Are you shy if someone asks you a direct question, even when you can voluntarily offer the information any other time?
· Are you shy in formal settings but outgoing when it’s more casual? Does it depend on what you’re wearing?
· Are you shy when there is pressure to perform, like speaking to a reporter or into a tape recorder? When there’s no chance to retract what you say? When it feels like this is your only chance?
· Do you notice yourself saying phrases like, “I’m sorry” or “Excuse me” but can’t stop yourself?

Do you:
· Apologize all the time?
· Avoid potential conflict?
· Avoid risks?
· Fear making a mistake?
· Fear being found wrong?
· Find yourself annoyed and irritable in groups?
· Blame others for being boring?
· Blame others for your discomfort?
· Get mad at yourself easily?
· Feel things are often unfair?
· Fear rejection?

Reflect a bit on these lists. What is it about these situations that allow you to turn a part of yourself off, to lose access to your ideas and your words?

It is very natural to think of being shy as containing a large measure of victimhood. But if you think about it, it is actually selfish to be shy. Not only are we withholding our ideas from others, but because we feel this way, we require special attention, additional time to feel comfortable. That’s not always possible. We do have something of value to offer and it’s not fair to others – in fact, it’s stingy of us not to contribute, just because we don’t feel like it.

What you need to know: What are the fears?
The problem with our fears is that they are locked in our heads and they exist only for us. This may also be a great thing. If they're all in our heads, we have complete control over vanquishing them - if we realize them to be the destructive forces they are, instead of mistaking them for some kind of reality. If we can bring them out into the open, they can be examined as to whether or not they correspond to reality.

Let’s go back to Kathy, who is terrified of attending a networking event because she doesn’t know what to say to a stranger.

“I’m afraid I will say the wrong thing or I will mumble or not finish a complete sentence and the other person will be looking at me as though I’m stupid.”

So the way she tells it, Kathy is afraid of the way someone will look at her. Is that something to fear?

“Ok, let’s say someone looks at you as though you’re stupid. Then what will happen?”
“Well, the other person will reject me.”
“How exactly?”
“Well, he will just walk away in disgust.”
“Has that ever happened to you before?”
“No, not really.”
“Have you ever seen someone do that?”
“Well, no.”
“And have you ever done it to someone?”
“No, I would never do that.”
“So here’s the picture: you introduce yourself to a stranger and at first he is interested in what you have to say but as soon as you start to stutter or say something “stupid” (what would that be?), this person gets fed up, rolls his eyes, and simply walks away in disgust? Do you really think that would happen?”

As the picture of what Kathy imagines gets filled in with details, she can start to see how irrational and how unlikely it is. And yet, when the fear is inside her head, it seems completely plausible -- so plausible that she has convinced herself not to attend an event because of it on many, many occasions.

That’s only one fear – there are many more where that one came from. What about the fear of confrontation, of being humiliated, of not knowing the answer, of being judged by "authority figures" – bosses and supervisors, clients and prospects, anyone in a position to critique or choose?

If we can look objectively at our own fears, especially the tiny ones that hide behind automatic reactions, if we can bring those out into the light of day, we may see that they are just as unrealistic as Kathy’s. Sometimes that helps just enough to overcome them.

Try this. Next time you notice that a fear is holding you back, write out the scene of what you imagine will happen. This will help you see whether it is realistic. Show what you’ve written to someone you trust. Ask their opinion. Sometimes even that is enough to let it go.

Sometimes what you feel isn’t the most important thing
Our culture places tremendous value on our feelings. We are encouraged to “get in touch” with them, to “work” on them, to think and talk about them, to treat them with the utmost respect and attention, as if they were our most valuable asset.

We are encouraged to steer clear of anything uncomfortable. We do what’s easiest or most familiar instead of what needs to be done. We choose activities and events based on personal interest or entertainment value. Our feelings are often responsible when we decide at the last minute not to attend a gathering or a class. We rarely do anything we don’t “feel” like doing. This is how many of us make our decisions, both trivial and important ones -- from making a difficult phone call to choosing a career.

“We are not out of touch with our inner world -- that world of feelings, of preferences, of desires and discomfort. It is a world we know too well. In the course of exploring our pain, our worries, our feelings and our dreams we forego the development of our more needed skill -- to notice and engage the world around us.”
Gregg Krech, author of Naikan: Gratitude, Grace and the Japanese Art of Self-Reflection

We believe that getting what we want should be easy. We are seduced by hyperbolic promises like “Become self confident in 10 days” or “Get fit without doing exercise.” These voices are speaking to the part of us that wants to feel good and doesn’t want to work, to the part of us that engages in magical thinking.

But we know that mastery in life happens slowly over time and only with effort. If a goal is worth striving toward, it usually requires work and sacrifice and often, yes, discomfort. So are feelings the best foundation for decision-making?

Think about the networking meeting that Kathy is afraid to attend. What if one of her goals is to build her business and bring in enough work so that she can hire an employee and she can spend more time with her children or work at her church? She knows that networking is an essential tool in that process but she is terrified of talking to strangers and therefore never “feels” like going anywhere new. Should she therefore not go?

Can she stop the fear through sheer force of will? Probably not. But if she allows her feelings to prevent her from doing what’s needed to achieve her goals then she won’t build her business and she won’t be able to hire that new employee and fulfill her purpose.

Goals aren’t achieved by magic. No amount of wishful thinking or feeling good or dreaming will grow your business or help you climb the corporate ladder. If your long-term goals are important to you, whatever they are, you’ll no doubt have to endure some discomfort to achieve them. That’s a given.

Having a different attitude might help get through that discomfort. It would be more constructive to place less value on how we feel and more value on our goals and what we’re trying to accomplish, both professionally and personally.

What you need to know: Where your attention is
“Anxiety is misdirected attention.” (ToDoInstitute.com)

Andy gave feedback on a report to a co-worker, who seemed appreciative of it. But not long afterward, he started to imagine that he’d been too harsh and worried that the co-worker was angry with him.

This is very similar to Kathy imagining that the stranger she’s talking to will think she’s stupid.

So many of us spend time imagining what has happened or what will happen. Think about how often you catch yourself replaying an awkward conversation in your head or rehearsing what you’ll say when you stand up to your boss about the way an issue was handled.

When this is going on, where is your attention?

It may seem like your attention is focused outward because these thoughts have to do with someone else. But in fact your attention is focused inward, on yourself and what you imagine others will think of you.

In reality, you have no idea what another person thinks, much less what someone will say or do. You will never know. You can get some information by watching and listening. But when your attention is focused inward, it’s impossible to see or hear. You miss offhand (and sometimes even direct) comments or body language that could help you read the other person more accurately. You miss openings that could get you closer to your goal.

This happens automatically for most of us. We don’t consciously point our attention inward. It just keeps going back there, unless we shift it consciously, and get in the habit of doing that.

Morita Therapy, founded by Japanese psychiatrist, Shoma Morita, teaches acceptance of our feelings while shifting our attention to something more constructive. It is based on the idea that we can make a conscious attempt to shift our attention from our feelings to our purpose. “We focus our attention on the things that help us live a fulfilled and meaningful life,” writes Morita. “We don’t allow our anxiety to prevent us from the taking actions that will lead us toward our goals. We simply bring the anxiety along as we strive to live well and do what’s important.”

This is simple but not necessarily easy. It means you have to notice where your attention is first, then redirect it, literally move it somewhere else.

For example, if you’re sitting in a meeting, rehearsing what you’ll say when it’s your turn to speak and not paying attention to the comments that come before you, your focus is inward. In those moments, you can catch yourself and redirect your attention to the people in the room. You will likely hear or see something new, something that could affect what you will say, something that could trigger a brilliant idea that isn’t already in your head.

This is just the tip of the iceberg of what you may be missing. Action can pull you back into reality and distract you from your shyness. The shyness doesn’t disappear; it just moves out of the spotlight and becomes less and less of an obstacle. Paradoxically, the more actions you take, the less shy you will feel. Not only will you become more skillful and confident in work situations by gaining experience in them, but you will be turning more and more attention away from yourself (and your problems) toward the reality out there. You become a shy person who speaks up and reaches out.

So next time you’re talking or meeting with someone, ask yourself, “Where is my attention?”

Excerpted from Stop Pushing Me Around: A Workplace Guide for the Timid, Shy and Less Assertive (Career Press, 2006). Order your copy here.

Should you present proposals via email or in person?

2006-07-14T06:02:00.000-07:00

This week's Quick Tip from Marketing Mentor sparked a lot of response to our suggestion to present proposals to clients on the phone or in person instead of simply sending off a pdf document via email. Here are the highlights of the discussion. Please feel free to add your own comments.

Here's what I wrote:
Just because it's easy to submit a pdf proposal to your prospect or client via email doesn't mean you should.

In fact, in our recent Marketing and Pricing workshops, Peleg Top talked in depth about his policy to present his proposals in person whenever possible. (And if it isn't, on the phone is the next best thing.)

Otherwise, here's what happens: you send the proposal that you spent hours working on and all they do is flip to the last page to see how much it costs.

Instead, if you're in the same room with your prospect, you can go through the proposal, answer questions, explain your process and then, when it's time, get to the money issues.

The key is to approach it as a "working meeting" in which both sides invest time to talk about process and to begin brainstorming ideas.

This meeting will undoubtedly give your prospect a feel for how you work -- and you will also learn how they work. And I guarantee you that no one else will give them such a strong taste of what they'll get for their money.

Recently, two Marketing Mentor clients -- a designer and a writer -- teamed up to propose an annual report project to a local non-profit. They had a great meeting and the non-profit said they'd make a decision in a week. Instead, the prospect called the next day and awarded the project to our clients!

I know what you're thinking. "But my prospects won't want to meet with me." Well, it depends on how you approach it. And we have some ideas for you on the audio portion of this tip. So if you want to learn the magic words to say to get that meeting, [click here to listen] (it's just under 4 minutes).

Here's what Bob Bly wrote:
Sending the proposal via email takes 2 seconds.

Presenting it in person takes all day and conveys to the client that you are
not busy and your time is not valuable.

Here's what Douglas Kelly wrote:
It is so sad to see people that allow themselves to be “pushed around” — the theme of your confidence-building training. 90% of the world is bluff. People will push you only as far as you allow them. If young people knew that, they could do so much more.

As to your advice about not sending your proposal to your client or prospect by pdf. Here’s a way I’ve learned to remedy the situation of the client/prospect flipping to the back and looking at the price first. (They do it every time.) I send them the entire presentation-proposal, but without the costs. I approach them with it as if it is a draft.

Then we do a conference call or meeting in which I go through everything with them ostensibly to assure it is what they are seeking and showing what we can do for them to address their marketing or sales need. When they have no clue about what it might cost, you can get their real reactions to what you propose. Without a price, it is still a draft. Therefore they don’t feel it’s real, so they don’t need to make an up or a down judgment on your proposal. Or worse, make it an object of bargaining. And you may actually learn something from the conversation that can be added to make it serve their needs better.

By the time you finish this preliminary teleconference they will have bought into what you’re proposing. And you re-confirm all the aspects of it with them. This makes them feel as though they have an equity or proprietary interest in what you’re doing. It has their fingerprints on it. Then you tell them you will brush it up a little and make the changes in the strategy or tactics that might have come up in the conversation. And arrange for a second teleconference or meeting with them. At the second meeting your proposal has the price included, even itemized.

You can send a pdf to them then, with the price, and they will better understand the reasons for the cost being what it is. They may balk at the total price. If so, you can show them places you can cut out work to accommodate their comfort range in costs. This way you aren’t appearing to just cut your price. Rather, they can see that if they want to pay less, then they get less. Just as when they buy something as ordinary as a DVD player, or a computer, or a car.

Neither party loses face nor does the client/prospect think you are just pulling a price out of the air. You appear to be quite professional. And you don’t come off as bargaining for your services. A little bargaining might take place, but it won’t seem as if it’s just price cutting. Most clients have no idea of what it takes to prepare or execute a strategic plan, or even a direct mail package. All they know is that it probably costs more than they thought it would. But doesn’t everything?

There are many different renditions of this idea that are useful. They way I’ve explained this, it works better for large projects. But the principle of it works even for small projects. The idea is to take them one step at a time and don’t allow yourself to be hurried or intimidated. If one allows them to push for getting a good price before they even know what they’re buying, then one is indeed being pushed around.

Here's what Marcia Morante wrote:
I'm incredibly busy right now, and the thought of taking the time to present proposals in person doesn't seem manageable. On the other hand, if I'm shortlisted by the client, that's a different story. You'll usually be invited in.

Although I agree with you that a face-to-face meeting is best, it's a fairly big investment in money and time if the client is at the other end of a plane ride and a hotel stay.

What about a telephone presentation using Webex or a tool like it? (Gotomypc.com offers something similar called Gotomeeting.com) Is that almost as good or the same as sending an Email? It's also usually easier to get a commitment for a telephone call than for a visit.

What do you think? Any ideas or resources to contribute? If so, please comment.

Book Excerpt: 6 ways to develop your listening skills

2006-07-08T13:37:00.000-07:00

Listening is such a simple act. It does require us to be attentive, but we don't have to do anything else. We needn’t advise, coach, or even sound wise. All we have to do is sit and listen. Here are a few ways to develop better listening skills.

1. Be open. Two little words but such a huge task. Being open means forgetting everything you know about the person or the topic and listening with every sense you have, every atom of your attention.

2. Don’t be distracted. Give your full attention to the conversation. Don’t let your eyes wander if someone enters the room or passes by. Don’t answer your phone. Don’t even look at it. These are all signals to the other person that the conversation either is or isn’t important.

3. Be active. Listening seems passive because you’re just sitting there and no visible action is required. But listening is active. Let the ideas and thoughts play in your mind. Don’t hesitate to jump into the conversation without censoring yourself and before it’s too late.

4. Don’t interrupt. Resist the urge to say what you have to say as soon as it occurs to you. Make a note of your pressing thought if you need to, but don’t speak for the sake of speaking, or because you finally came up with something good. This won’t add to the conversation. It’s more likely to derail it.

5. Reveal yourself. If you’re quiet by nature, you’ve probably been “accused” at one point or another of not saying anything about yourself. That’s one of the dangers of being quiet. But being a good listener doesn’t mean all you do is listen. A good listener also reveals information about him or herself which makes the other person feel more comfortable about opening up.

6. Ask unexpected questions. Don’t ask a question you think you know the answer to. Ask why? Or why not? Use unexpected questions to find out what makes the other person tick. You may get an unexpected response, which will take you on a different path.

These are just a few. Certainly you have a few listening skills that work for you. Please contribute them.

Excerpted from Stop Pushing Me Around: A Workplace Guide for the Timid, Shy and Less Assertive (Career Press, 2006). Order your copy here.

Have you seen Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth?"

2006-07-02T06:25:00.000-07:00

Last night, I saw "An Inconvenient Truth,"
Al Gore's brilliant attempt to educate the public
and raise awareness about the seriousness of global warming
and what we can do about it.

Please see it, if you haven't already.
And here are some things you can do
to do your part:

1. Replace a regular incandescent light bulb with a compact fluorescent light bulb (cfl)
2. Move your thermostat down 2° in winter and up 2° in summer
3. Clean or replace filters on your furnace and air conditioner
4. Choose energy efficient appliances when making new purchases (look for the EnergyStar label)
5. Unplug electronics from the wall when you’re not using them
6. Use less hot water

More simple ideas here:
http://www.climatecrisis.net/takeaction/whatyoucando/

Book Excerpt: How do you start building confidence?

2006-06-28T09:21:00.000-07:00

Here are a few ideas:

1. Stop comparing yourself to others. We all evaluate ourselves in relation to others. The problem is you have no idea what is going on for another person. You can’t know why they do what they do, what motivates their behavior. In fact, someone who looks “confident” may just be another shy person covering up his own insecurities and doubts. Instead of focusing on others, shift your attention back to yourself. The only reasonable comparison to make is between your past and your present performance. Bring your attention to your goals and to the actions you need to take to achieve them.

2. Set Self Confidence Goals. Although developing self confidence is a very abstract goal and self confidence itself is impossible to quantify, you can focus on the tangible and concrete actions that result in confidence. Choose one area, break it down into small, manageable steps or actions with concrete results. Make them measurable, like, “Strike up a conversation with 1 stranger per day” “Call 3 headhunters” or “Attend 2 events per month.” Write down your goals and post them somewhere visible, like the bathroom mirror or on a Post-it on your computer. Review them every morning, or at least every week. Over time, with persistence, a little here ... a little there, the next thing you know, you’re a shy person who starts conversations.

3. Always take time to prepare. Don’t waste time talking yourself into “feeling” confident. Be more productive in your preparation. The better you know your stuff, the more confident you will feel. No matter what the event or activity, make sure you set aside time to practice or to think through all the possible scenarios and how you would respond to them. Again, it’s a question of directing your attention away from the anxiety and toward the actions needed.

4. Visualize another reality. Before a stressful event, take a few minutes to create a mental picture for yourself. Instead of imagining a staff meeting as a place where you will be put on the spit and grilled, imagine it as a circle of colleagues who are all there to help you. Instead of picturing the company holiday party as a mob scene where everyone will already be in their cliques and you’ll be alone in the corner, think about it as a series of one-on-one conversations over a glass of your favorite red wine.

5. Ask for honest feedback. It might seem counter-intuitive to advise someone who is self conscious to submit themselves to the scrutiny of others, but you may be surprised by what you find out. It’s likely that your perspective on yourself isn’t accurate, and it’s definitely not complete. The only way to discover that is by submitting yourself or your work to others. Solicit honest feedback from someone you trust. Sometimes all you have to do is ask. This isn’t to say that what others say about you is the truth. But your own opinion is a very narrow slice of the pie. You need more information, more perspectives to weigh.

6. Think Small. It’s unrealistic to imagine that you will suddenly transform yourself into a gregarious networker. But you can get in the habit of doing tiny confident behaviors, of stretching yourself and expanding your comfort zone systematically, each time a bit further. For example, when you meet someone for the first time, greet him or her with a firm handshake, a smile, and look directly into their eyes for a moment longer than may be comfortable to you. Or, when talking on the phone, smile. The person on the other end can hear it and will respond to the energy in your voice. If you want an enthusiastic response to your ideas, bring that enthusiasm into your voice.

7. Give yourself many options. One of the reasons we get so nervous about one conversation, one interview, one prospect, is because we don’t have many eggs in our basket, so every egg counts for a lot. If you give yourself lots of options, lots of opportunities to practice saying the things that need to be said, not only will it get easier but each one won’t carry as much weight. You’ll be able to afford a couple unsuccessful conversations because you know there will be more chances to learn those lessons.

These are just a few. Certainly you have a few tips. Please contribute them.

Excerpted from Stop Pushing Me Around: A Workplace Guide for the Timid, Shy and Less Assertive (Career Press, 2006). Order your copy here.

USA Today article says you can learn to be an extrovert

2006-06-20T07:44:00.000-07:00

Introverts and shy people can learn to be more sociable.
"It's a skill that can be developed." So says more than one
CEO quoted in an article in USA Today,
Not All Successful CEOs are Extroverts (from June 7th).

According to the article, 4 in 10 top executives consider themselves
shy or introverted. This was borne out in my research for
Stop Pushing Me Around: A Workplace Guide
for the Timid, Shy and Less Assertive. In fact, Sheila Campbell,
owner of Wild Blue Yonder, admitted to "masquerading as an extrovert."

Here's another fascinating factoid from the article:

"A PsyMax study of 240 presidents, CEOs and chief operating officers found creativity to be the one trait most common to highly successful executives. Past research, not associated with PsyMax, has shown introverts to be among the most creative people."

Read the whole article here.

Book Excerpt: What to do if you've offended a colleague

2006-06-04T11:46:00.000-07:00

The last 2 chapters of Stop Pushing Me Around are a "Communcations Cheat Sheet" of all sorts of situations and strategies for handling them. Here's an example:

Situation: You’ve offended a colleague without knowing it

Strategy: You can’t control how other people hear and react to what you say. If you suspect that you might have offended someone, acknowledge it with, " If I offended you in any way when I [said, did, did not say, did not do] something, I'd like to apologize."

From there:

* Offer an explanation of your thinking (or lack of thinking) process to help the other person understand your point of view.

* Be curious about how it was perceived. Use the opportunity to learn a little bit about that person.

* Ask what you can do to resolve the issue. Though you can’t take back what you did or said, ask what you can do to make the person feel better. (Sometimes asking the question is plenty.) Be creative and take the initiative to offer suggestions as to what you can do to minimize the results of your mistake.

* Keep it all in perspective. Usually we panic in the moment over something that, looking back, we realize is not that significant. Try to bring that hindsight into the present moment. If you handle this well, it’s likely that your relationship will improve as a result of the bump.

What do you think? Any other ideas or perspectives on this issue? Please comment, if you do.

(Excerpted from Stop Pushing Me Around: A Workplace Guide for the Timid, Shy and Less Assertive (Career Press, 2006). Order your copy here.)

Business Card Couture (from Cool News)

2006-05-29T08:03:00.000-07:00

Here's an excellent bit on the usefulness of cool business cards in this digital age (plus a little history lesson on the topic) from one of my favorite email newsletters: Cool News. Check out the post from 5/26/06 here.

Check out this excellent example of follow up

2006-05-25T06:09:00.000-07:00

This month, I gave a talk for the NYC chapter of the Usability Professionals' Association and spent some time beforehand chatting with one of the attendees about all sorts of things. I followed up a few days later via email and he responded with one of the most "usable" or thoughtful messages I've received in a while.

My point is that Larry not only remembered clearly what we discussed but also went out of his way to include more details and links where I can find out more about the resources he mentioned. How often do you do that?

Here is the message I got (his comments are italicized):
> Great presentation. My 2 big take aways were
> 1) making yourself usable == self-promotion
> 2) my company name will come from my clients
>
> When I heard that you were planning on having a hip replacement, I
> recommended several things:
> a) Alexander technique -- to relearn movement patterning
> b) Rolfing -- redo your structural integration
> c) Laban Movement Analysis (LMA)
>
> I would recommend Hope Martin for Alexander.
( Hope Martin Studio for the Alexander Technique hopemartin@mindspring.com
39 West 14th St. Room 508, Tel: 212 243-3867 ) While I haven't used her, she comes recommended from my exposure to the Shambala Center (ny.shambhala.org).

> LMA is not really a clinical or therapeutic technique but rather a rich awareness that informs many different approaches related to movement. The book I mentioned was: Movement And Making Decisions: The Body-mind Connection In The Workplace
> (http://www.allbookstores.com/book/1597910007/
Carol-Lynne_Moore/Movement_And_Making_Decisions.html)

If you're interested, I'll dig thru my notes and find a contact.
>

> > And there was a reference to the Laban work in Malcolm Gladwell's article in last week's New Yorker article about the Dog Whisperer. Did you see that?
>
> I saw the article; He has a show on the National Geographic channel!
> Hmm, I just made the connection that, this 'Malcolm Gladwell' wrote "blink" and "The Tipping Point" !
>
> regards,
> Larry

This is related to an idea I'm developing about "personal usability" -- that is making yourself more usable to others, making it easier to work with you, connect with you, communicate with you. I wrote a short article on the topic earlier this year which was published in the UPA's User Experience Magazine (Volume 5, Issue #1, 2006). That hasn't been posted yet online but if you want a copy, email me at ilise@marketing-mentor.com)

Do you have other examples of personal usability?

Book Excerpt: How to Broach the Topic of Money

2006-05-21T12:49:00.000-07:00

Situation: You don’t know how to broach the topic of money.

Strategy: Be direct and simply say, “Let’s talk about money.” Always ask for the other person to tell you what they have in mind first. They may not, but sometimes they will and it will give you a place to start. From there you can either tell your prospect or supervisor what you want and let them respond.

Once your positions are out in the open, don’t feel pressured to respond immediately. Take time to think. Whatever you do, don’t rush into any decisions. This may convey desperation or over-eagerness, neither of which are positions of strength.

Also, if talking about money is one of a number of issues being discussed with this person, create a simple agenda for the meeting and put “Money” on the list of things to discuss. That way, when you get there, you don’t feel like you’re bringing it up out of the blue.

Any other ideas you can contribute to this topic?

Excerpted from Stop Pushing Me Around: A Workplace Guide for the Timid, Shy and Less Assertive (Career Press, 2006). Order your copy here.

Why you shouldn't poo poo phone follow up

2006-05-18T12:36:00.000-07:00

I received this message last week from one of our mentoring clients, Lea Ann Hutter, of Hutter Design in Los Angeles. Lea Ann and I have been working together to help her feel more comfortable networking and especially with following up on the phone. Lea Ann has had a breakthrough of sorts recently, so I wanted to pass along her messages so others can hear first hand how this can work. (Also, if you're a designer near NYC, check out our Pricing and Marketing Workshop on June 17th.)

“I'm getting more comfortable with following up on the phone, specifically with someone I really don't know. When it's a referral, there's already a predisposition to liking and openness, so that's easier. Following up on the phone with a total stranger is the hardest. Harder than meeting them in the first place.

At an event, it's totally acceptable to talk to strangers. That's what an event is - a gathering of strangers all interested in the same thing. On the phone, I am interrupting someone's work day on the assumption that I can help them. Also, the lack of ability to see facial expressions on the phone makes it tougher to read the connection.

So what I'm doing to overcome this is thinking of the phone conversation as an extension of the talk (however brief) I had when I met them in person. I envision myself talking to them face-to-face and I try to project the same friendly energy that I find easy to share in person. My growing comfort with phone follow up is a result of your encouragement to call people. Once again, thank you.

I also realized when I got a flood of emails from my AIGA job post that I appreciated it when a few people emailed and called me too. I didn't see it as an interruption, because they helped me single out and evaluate who I wanted in a sea of resumes. I also figured that anyone who called me has good business etiquette and has a stronger interest in working for me that the people who just emailed. If I apply that positive experience to the way I think of calling potential clients, I can see that it really can be helpful, even welcomed.

later
I just made a follow up phone call to Charles Hollis Jones thanking him for lunch last week. I also wanted to ask if I could send him occasional samples, and he said yes. Then we talked about that LA Modernism show. He said that he goes to a lot of events and invited my husband and I to join him at a book signing coming up. I wasn't expecting an invitation and am so happy to have received one. He also thanked me for the follow up phone call.

I know it's not a lot of people (yet), but the few I've made an effort to call after meeting have been so receptive! Phone following up is a breakthrough for me. I never used to do it, but I am now and it's working. Now I see that a lot of people probably don't follow up by phone (because it feels hard/awkward), so if I do, I will stand out and greatly increase the likelihood of creating a relationship with people. When I do my printed promo, I will definitely make follow up calls after the mailing.”

The different types of people you need in your network

2006-05-10T06:51:00.000-07:00

Your network of contacts should be made up of all different kinds of people, not just people like you and not just your prospects and clients.

This excerpt from "U R A Brand," a brand new book by Catherine Kaputa, explains the different types of people you can find and bring into your network.

Seek Variety
Great networkers don’t just fish for the big fish – senior executives and power brokers.

Networkers realize that you need a lot of different types of people on the road to success. Different folks bring different influences and abilities into play. Here are the special kinds of people that can play a powerful role in your professional network:

Grass Roots:
This is your core group. Grass-roots supporters are people - friends, family, business colleagues - who know you well and will do what they can to help further your success. What they lack in prestige, they make up for in the support they provide.

Rulers:
This is an important power base to nurture. Rulers are high-level executives at your company and elsewhere that you know (but maybe not that well). You need to find ways to gracefully stay in touch with people more experienced than you are through areas of mutual interest.

Connectors:
This group leverages your reach. Connectors are plugged-in people who know everyone. (They have two degrees of separation instead of the normal six.) Connectors may or may not have a powerful job. Often doctors, financial advisors even hair stylists can be valuable connectors because they interface with so many different types of people.

Promoters:
This group is your PR machine. Promoters amplify your self brand message through word of mouth. Promoters sing your praises and can be invaluable in building your self brand equity. One or two promoters in your network packs a lot of media power.

Gurus:
This is your think tank. Gurus are like mentors or professors you can call upon for advice or strategy sessions. They know a lot, are well-read and like nothing more than sharing%

How do you get new contacts into a dialogue?

2006-04-27T03:31:00.000-07:00

In today's issue of Quick Tips from Marketing Mentor, Lea Ann Hutter of Hutter Design shares an observation and a tip about how she follows up with new people she meets.

"I've been forwarding information about events they might enjoy and they usually email back to thank me, because what I'm sending is relevant to them. I think emailing a thank you is easier for people because it is a simple response (no thinking involved)."

Do you agree with Lea Ann? Or have you tried the "ask a simple question" technique? Do you get a response or silence? And what kinds of questions elicit the most response?

The Art of Conversation

2006-03-20T16:53:00.000-08:00

Today's New York Times (3/20/06) has a wonderful article/review of a new book, Stephen Miller's, "Conversation: A History of a Declining Art."

Here's an excerpt:

Conversation is one of those acts that require subtle forms of social imagination: an ability to listen and interpret and imagine, an attentiveness to someone whose perspective is always essentially different, a responsiveness that both makes oneself known and allows the other to feel known — or else does none of this, but just keeps up appearances. It may be, then, one of the most fundamental political and social acts, indispensable to negotiating allegiances, establishing common ground, clearing tangled paths. Conversation may reflect not just the state of our selves, but the state of society.

Read more here. (subscription required, but it's free.)

Are you ready for A Whole New Mind?

2006-03-14T13:40:00.000-08:00

I've added a few links to the blog roll (at right).

I especially encourage you to check out Dan Pink's A Whole New Mind.

He was the keynote speaker at a recent HOW Design Conference, where he outlined some of the ideas in the book, notably that artists, designers, storytellers, and big picture thinkers (many of whom consider themselves shy) are poised to "reap society’s richest rewards and share its greatest joys."

"A Whole New Mind reveals the six essential aptitudes on which professional success and personal fulfillment now depend, and includes a series of hands-on exercises culled from experts around the world to help readers sharpen the necessary abilities. This book will change not only how we see the world but how we experience it as well."

Is a personalized email message to a stranger spam?

2006-03-06T07:30:00.000-08:00

In a recent Quick Tip from Marketing Mentor, I shared a simple strategy for getting the email address of a prospect whose phone number you have.

One reader questioned that strategy and said I was advocating spam. So I ask you -- do you consider it spam if a stranger sends you a message introducing themselves and their services? Does it matter how personalized the message is? If you can tell they've spent some time researching your company and your needs, does that make any difference?

Do you deserve a raise?

2006-03-06T07:24:00.000-08:00

Norman Lieberman, The Pay Raise Coach, is looking for stories for his forthcoming book on pay raise strategies and is even willing to coach someone through the process (at no charge, if you fit his criteria). For more info, check out his web site (www.thepayraisecoach.com) and let him know you're interested.

And here are Norman's five tips to dramatically increase your chances of winning a satisfactory and successful raise:

1. Maintain a list of accomplishments since your last pay increase. Neatly type the list in a bullet format, and use metrics to demonstrate the degree of your success. Example: Instead of saying, "I learned how to run the high-speed press," say, "I have increased output of widgets by 108%, while reducing production time by 16%."

2. Well in advance of asking for a raise, assist co-workers and your boss by helping with their excess projects. Learning various roles increases your value to the company, as well as your value directly to the boss. He certainly won't want the work you're now doing given back to him.

3. Never, ever tell anyone connected with your firm--even your closest work friends--that you intend to seek a raise. People talk, and that talk can hurt your pay raise chances.

4. Never give personal excuses for securing a raise. Excuses like, "Everyone else is paid more," or "My car is old and in need of repairs," are not legitimate corporate reasons to give you a raise. Negotiate based on contributions to the job and you'll get respect and more money.

5. Typically, the best way to get the largest jump in salary is by going elsewhere, where accomplishments and achievements are still of utmost importance. These qualities may secure as much as a 30% increase at a new firm, where new employees' skills may be more appreciated than at previous jobs. The new firm sees strong accomplishments and presence in an interview in stark comparison to what they don't have.

The book is done - Thanks to everyone - here's the first of several excerpts

2006-02-26T11:39:00.000-08:00

I submitted my manuscript to the publisher last week and I just want to thank everyone for their contributions through this blog. I couldn't have done it without you.

Now we begin the promotional phase and what I'm thinking is that I'll post excerpts from the book each week (so you don't have to wait until it comes out in June). We still have to go through the editorial process and I don't know how much room there will be to make changes, additions, etc, but I do hope you will continue to comment on the ideas. You never know.

So here's the first excerpt from Chapter 6: Hang Up on Phone Fear:

There are certain phone calls that Brenda dreads making: calls to upper management about the status of a project (especially if it isn’t going well), calls to the media, sometimes even a call to a vendor. She finds herself staring at the phone with a pounding heart and a frozen brain. And even when she writes a script out in advance, she sometimes speaks too fast and forgets to make the most important point.

There is something about the phone that instills fear in many of us. Even those who have no trouble meeting strangers in person seem to have an abject fear of calling them on the phone. In the words of one very successful writer, “Give me strangers at a trade show any day; just don’t make me call them.”

One of the prevailing attitudes and excuses for giving in to “phone fear” is, “If they wanted to talk to me, they would call me.” Needless to say, that is not necessarily true. Plus, it’s a passive way to approach business, and life. Or

Or what about these:
· You don’t want to sound stupid.
· You don’t want to “bother” the other person.
· You don’t want to sound like a telemarketer.
· You don’t think they’ll take your call.

It’s true that when we sit face to face with another person, we rely heavily on their intonation and body language to understand their message. So when you’re on the phone, you are, in essence, blind because you don’t get any of those clues.

But if you think about it, approaching strangers in person should be more intimidating than calling them on the phone. You see, on the phone, if they’re not interested or can’t deal with whatever you’re calling about at that moment, they will likely tell you and you will both hang up and move on. It’s a much cleaner getaway than what would be required in person.

Still, phone fear persists, and is rampant.

When the phone is most appropriate
Some people have a straight preference for the phone; others for email. So if you know the person you’re calling, think first about what they prefer when deciding how to reach out. You can usually tell if you observe their own communication. If they prefer the phone, they’ll use it more often.

Next, think about the reason for your call. Some topics need to be handled in real-time – for some the phone is fine, for others a face-to-face meeting is required.

Make sure your decision isn’t based on a communication rut. In other words, don’t send email because that’s what you always do or because that’s the way you’ve communicated historically with this person and it works, so why do anything different? The topic may call for something different. That’s why it’s important to be awake to each situation.

Here are some guidelines for the phone is most appropriate:

· When you have something sensitive to say. You want the other person to hear the sound of your voice and you want to be able to hear the sound of theirs when they respond. Or if what you have to say could potentially be misinterpreted.

· When you just need a quick answer. Using the phone indicates urgency in many situations. It conveys the message, “I’m serious about this and would like to take care of it now.”

· When it takes longer to write. Don’t waste your time writing when it would be just as easy to pick up the phone and either tell the person or leave it as a voice mail message.

· When negotiation is required to find a time or a price. Rather than going back and forth endlessly, it often makes sense to simply pick up the phone.

Conversely, here are some situations when email or a written communication is most appropriate:

· To confirm a date, time, price or other specific that could be easily confused. It’s useful to have a paper trail and to put in writing what you understood, just in case you didn’t have the other person’s full attention or they made a mistake or understood something else. This happens often because of how quickly we are all moving from one thing to the next.

· When you’re communicating with someone new and aren’t familiar with their habits or don’t know how well they process information. Again, take a moment to reinforce or repeat what was said, for clarity’s sake.

· To prepare or ask for a real-time conversation. When the issue is complicated and it would be useful to give them a heads up so they can give a little thought and be prepared to talk on the phone or in person.

Be aware of cultural differences too. For example, the Japanese consider it impolite to make people speak to a machine so they don’t use voice mail for business. (Tip if you’re marketing to a Japanese company: don’t leave a voice mail message for a Japanese person you’re trying to reach.)

If you’re still not sure which is the most appropriate medium for communication, either ask directly or follow the other person’s lead. If they call you, call them back, unless they specifically say “email is fine.” If they email you, email them back, unless they say, “call me to discuss.”

Don't know what to say?

2006-01-09T12:50:00.000-08:00

Here's a list of situations shy people may have trouble with.

Here's what I need from you: 1) add more types of mind-blanking situations I should be sure to include OR 2) take one of these and offer suggestions about what to say.

What to say to a VIP or CEO (in a meeting or in the elevator)
How to disagree with your boss and your coworkers (on something important)
How to handle offensive interviewers (e.g. getting too personal, asking what your SAT score was or about your personal life)
How to get along with a new guy at a longtime client
How to talk about money (negotiating your salary or following up on a promised bonus)
What to say when you think you might have offended someone
Dealing with difficult people (from passive aggression to bullying to a narcissistic personality disorder)

What else....

If you manage someone who's shy....

2005-12-14T06:38:00.000-08:00

I am often asked by managers what they can do to help their employees speak up more confidently. Do you have any tips for coaching employees toward better and more effective communication skills? Or stories about situations that have come up and how they were handled?

What exactly are you afraid of?

2005-11-27T19:45:00.000-08:00

This past month, I've been working on the first 3 chapters of Stop Pushing Me Around: Chapter 1: Know Thyself; Chapter 2: Overcoming Fear and Developing Self Confidence; Chapter 3: How to Become Genuinely Curious.

For Chapter 2, I need your help. I’d like to include examples of the real fears and irrational thoughts people have about speaking up and promoting themselves.

For example, if you’re afraid of rejection, what is the scenario you imagine in which people reject you. Write it out for me. (I will only consider using it if you want me to. Mostly, it's for research. So let me know if you want me to use it in the book.)

As a bonus, I’ve also posted the recipe for the yummy gingerbread I make for the holidays.

Yummy Holiday Gingerbread Recipe

2005-11-27T19:34:00.000-08:00

In 1993, a woman name Carrie gave me this recipe for gingerbread and I've been making it (almost) every year since then. It's very gingery and very sturdy -- good for gingerbread houses and all sorts of decorations.

8 cups flour
3 eggs
1 cup brown sugar
1 tablespoon baking soda
1 tablespoon salt (may not need that much)
1 tablespoon each of allspice and ginger (feel free to double or triple these)
1 teaspoon each of cinnamon and clove
1 1/4 cup of molasses
1/2 pound of butter

Cream the butter and sugar. Beat in the eggs, one at a time. Add the molasses and mix.

Sift together the flour, baking soda, salt and spices and stir those in.

Bake it at 375 degrees. You'll know when it's done.

Then, let them cool and decorate.

Feel free to add your own favorite recipes here. Just for fun.

Take a little time -- so others won't have to

2005-11-04T07:05:00.000-08:00

A few more ideas came up about what it means to be a "usable person" as I did some final prep for the short talk I gave yesterday as part of NY's World Usability Day event.

Here's one idea:

Being usable to others means taking time on your end so the other person doesn't have to take time on their end.

Here's a simple example: If you take time to put your phone number next to the words "call me," the other person won't have to go looking for it.

Or if you take time to anticipate what a client or prospect or friend needs and then give it to them, they won't have to take the time to ask for it.

How 'bout this: if you take the time to confirm receipt of materials someone sends you, they won't have to take their time to reach out to you to ask if you received it -- not to mention whatever time and mental energy they spend wondering (and maybe even worrying) whether you received it.

And what about this: if you take the time and give your full attention when someone says their name, they won't have to repeat it or you won't have to look silly when you say you forgot it already.

So maybe "usable" is just another way to say "thoughtful."

What do you think?

What does your body language say?

2005-10-29T11:30:00.000-07:00

An article by Oliver Sacks in the Oct. 31st issue of The New Yorker describes how patients suffering from aphasia (a loss of language) learn to read and communicate through nonverbal language -- giving them an enhanced ability to see through artifice.

I'm thinking about how that relates to the body language of those who are shy. What kind of body language says, "I'm shy. Stay away" and what kind says, "I'm open. Come closer,"?

And if you know of any resources (web sites, articles or books) on the topic, pass those links along.

Don't you hate long email messages?

2005-10-26T22:28:00.000-07:00

“Do they really expect me to read all this?” is what usually goes through my mind. It’s not that I don’t want to; I just don’t have the time. I spent an entire day recently going through my inbox -- saving, filing and trashing messages (not reading most of them) just to make sure I haven't missed any important ones.

To me, long email messages are unusable, in the same way a visually cluttered web site (often with too much text) is unusable.

I spend my time teaching clients how to be more usable because it's better marketing. They need to know how to write short, concise email messages that ask for (and get) a response. And we all need to know when it's time to pick up the phone.

Anyone who writes a long message – whether to someone they know or don’t know – without permission, a warning or a request, is asking for it to languish in an inbox and not be responded to.

What are some other qualities or actions that make people unusable?

(BTW: this is one of the ideas I'm developing for a short talk on "Personal Usability" -- Nov. 3rd 12:30-4 PM in NYC -- that will be part of World Usability Day, sponsored by the NYC Usability Professionals' Association, Human Factors International and others. More info and free registration here: http://www.humanfactors.com/home/wudnewyork.asp)

Are you shy because you think you know?

2005-10-17T09:51:00.000-07:00

One of the things that people who consider themselves shy seem to have in common is that they think they know certain things, such as what others are thinking (about them) and what's going to happen.

For example, "If I speak up, they're going to think I'm stupid."

Or, "If I ask for more money, they'll think I'm greedy and I'll never get the job."

Or, "If I make a mistake, they'll get mad and it'll be over."

Is this true?

Do you need self confidence to start a conversation?

2005-10-12T04:23:00.000-07:00

Recently, a reader of my email newsletter, Quick Tips from Marketing Mentor, wrote that her biggest self promotion challenge is how to begin and have conversations with people about what she can do for them.

“Whether they be in my network, cold calls, organizations, "warm" prospects – whoever, I often feel that I need some sort of script. Not having one holds me back from any interaction at all. I also feel like other people know how to have these conversations, and I don't - despite the fact that my services are beneficial.”

Is it a lack of self confidence that prevents us from talking to people (and makes us think others have it all together)? What exactly is self confidence and where does it come from? And more important, how do we develop it if we don't already have it?

Can you control your thoughts?

2005-10-06T13:17:00.000-07:00

I'm here at the AWAI Copywriting Bootcamp and this morning the motivational speaker, Brian Tracy, told this room of more than 300 people that "thoughts are causes" and "conditions are effects."

So if you think about yourself as shy, the condition you find yourself in will be the effect of that thought.

He also said (and I believe this) that our thoughts are the only things we have control over. (In fact, I'm dying to read Joan Didion's new book, A Year of Magical Thinking, in which she talks about coming to the realization that she had control over very, very little in her life, despite believing for so long that she had it all under control. I know I believe that too.)

So here's my question: what steps can we take today to begin learning how to control our thoughts?

Are you an introvert? And can you change that?

2005-10-02T18:10:00.000-07:00

Succeeding in business requires an assertive personality, self-confidence and solid communication skills. But according to the Shyness Institute in Palo Alto CA, half of all American adults consider themselves shy. In Stop Pushing Me Around (Career Press, June 2006), I will show readers dozens of surefire skills, tips and techniques to help even the most tongue-tied communicator become more comfortable and talkative.

Here's my first question: do you think it's possible for people who consider themselves shy to change that and what would enable them (you?) to do that?

Welcome to the Stop Pushing Me Around blog!

2005-10-01T17:54:00.000-07:00

This is just an experiment at the moment. But the intention is to create a blog for the forthcoming book, Stop Pushing Me Around: A Workplace Guide for the Timid, Shy and Less Assertive by me (Ilise Benun).

But I don't plan to write this book alone. I need help from all of you so that's where this blog comes in.

I'll be posting some ideas and questions and looking for your answers and thoughts. And it's good for a little publicity too!

So here goes...